Night Of The Boogeymen
by KingCobra582
Summary: A well-intoned parody of an old favorite film of mine. It's very much in the same kind of league as SCARY MOVIE, only this is a spoof of Halloween. Please R & R! *Chapter 5 is finally here* *WARNING: Language and now strong adult themes inside, so its R*
1. Mental's Hit And Run

Night Of The Boogeymen  
  
By Jake Denton (kingcobra49036@yahoo.com)  
  
There is only a dark BLACKNESS, and then we hear a NARRATOR speak from somewhere in the abysmal blackness.  
  
NARRATOR:  
In the late 70's, a movie came out that completely revolutionized it's genre. It was a grand movie, full of great enjoyment and incredibly likable characters.  
(beat)  
No, I'm talking about Grease! The movie I'm talking about is a horror movie, a slasher/fright film that helmed the rebirth of the horror genre, with it's strong acting and effective scare scenes, and...  
(beat)  
Ah, screw it, here's the parody.  
  
FADE IN:  
  
1. Ext. Midwestern Street - Night  
  
MYSTERIOUS POV It is a dark and scary night. There is a white house across the street from us. It's in BAD SHAPE.   
  
SUPER the legend: "Halloween Night 1963."  
  
A beat, then  
  
SUPER the legend: "Not to be confused with Thanksgiving."  
  
On the sidewalk in front of the house, kids run by screaming in laughter.   
  
Another group of kids dashes, waving their trick or treat bags as they run down the sidewalk.  
  
They are soon followed by the 3rd set of screaming children, who are being pursued by a man in a hockey mask wielding a machete.  
  
CAMERA settles on the house momentarily, then strides cautiously toward it. There is a sense of foreboding evil.   
  
WHAP!  
  
Or Not.  
  
CAMERA pulls back, dazed, from the street pole that it just SMACKED INTO, and continues on its' voyage.  
  
Finally, the POV reaches a side window of the house, where we can see a teenage couple making out like horny rabbits on the sofa.   
  
BOYFRIEND  
Where's your brother?  
  
The girl, JUDY MURDERS, frowns in concentration.   
  
JUDY  
Ah, Michael is around here someplace. He's probably just trick-or-treating. Or our neighbor's teaching him to make a jack-O-Lantern. (beat) Or he's teaching HER how to be a lifelike corpse.  
  
The boyfriend kisses her neck gently.  
  
BOYFRIEND  
Let's go upstairs and fool around, even though everyone knows having sex in a horror movie gets you killed.  
  
JUDY  
So what? This isn't a horror movie, anyway.   
  
They go upstairs. CAMERA swoops around the house towards the back door, where we move towards the door slowly.  
  
WHAP! CAMERA plows into the door HARD. Talk about the mother of all concussions.  
  
The MYSTERIOUS POV barrels backwards for a second, regaining its' senses, then barges inside, knocking the door off it's hinges.  
  
2. Int. House - Kitchen  
  
Mysterious POV continues moving into the room, then pauses and looks at the stove, where a pot of BARBECUE SAUCE sits, with a knife sticking out of it. There's also a note on the counter. Our mystery intruder picks it up and reads it.  
  
MRS. MURDERS (Off-screen)  
"Dear Judy and Michael, don't forget to chop up the barbecue before your father and I get home for dinner! Also don't forget to paint the house, and take the family dog for a walk. Your father and I will be back from the gay strip club later this evening! Love, Mom."  
  
The note gets thrown down, and the knife is plucked from the pot. Once the person is holding the knife, we  
  
CONTINUE UPSTAIRS  
  
Where we can hear the sounds of moaning. A few seconds pass, and we hear a loud FART.  
  
JUDY (Off-screen)  
Richard!  
  
RICHARD, HER BOYFRIEND (Off-screen)  
Oops! Damn Enchiladas!  
  
CAMERA glides soundlessly into the   
  
3. Int. House - Living Room  
  
From Our POV, we can see RICHARD coming downstairs. Boy, with this guy's mentality, the word "quickie" is an understatement.  
  
Richard looks right at us. He is SNEERING in CONTEMPT.  
  
RICHARD  
Hey, Mental, you cutting up on Halloween?  
(opens the front door)  
Night, Assmuncher.  
  
CAMERA rushes towards the boyfriend, and we   
  
HIT HIM IN THE BACK.  
  
Richard looks at us crossly. He is extremely agitated now.  
  
RICHARD  
Watch where you're going, Greg Brady.  
  
RICHARD leaves, pulling the door behind him. There is a slight CLICK, then...  
  
RICHARD  
(off-screen, outside the house)  
Damn kids! Watch it with those eggs!  
(there is a sequence of SPLATS)  
You little brats! My face! My beautiful face! Ugh...  
  
Ignoring the fading sound of Richard's voice, the POV turns its' wondering gaze towards the stairs, where just at the very end of those stairs, Judy can be heard, singing off-key.  
  
Gliding up the staircase, we stop and look down to see a clown mask on the floor. Who left that lying there? No matter. As the hand pulls the mask towards the CAMERA, we now see through the mask's eyes.  
  
4. Int. House - Upstairs bedroom  
  
the door to JUDY'S room is looming closer. As we push past it, the door swings back and smacks into the CAMERA.   
  
MYSTERIOUS POV We see through this guy's eyes a first person view of what it looks like to fall down the stairs.  
  
HE RETURNS QUICKLY to the door, and push inside the room, being careful not to let the door hit him again. What a tragedy that would be!  
  
POV quickly finds Judy, sitting butt-naked in front of the dresser as she combs her hair.  
  
JUDY  
(terrible singing)  
...and I-I-I-I-I will...always love you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u...  
  
MYSTERIOUS POV She finally turns and looks straight at us.  
  
JUDY  
(ticked off)  
Mental!  
  
Judy starts gasping as the assailant begins stabbing her. POV rotates and stares at someone's arm as it stabs her repeatedly, holding a different object with each time it comes back up. First a knife, then a tuning fork, an electric saw, a pillow, a can of Beef Stew, and finally, a hairbrush.  
  
MYSTERIOUS POV as it turns back to see Judy collapse, dead, then leaves the room, gliding down the stairs again. It goes out the front door, just as a CAR pulls up.   
  
5. Ext. Midwestern Street  
  
A man and a woman, JUDY'S PARENTS, get out and saunter over to us.  
  
MAN  
Mental?  
  
MYSTERIOUS POV The man rips off the mask. As he does so, the POV suddenly switches to a FRONT CAMERA view, and we now see the killer. It's a 6 year-old kid, MENTAL MURDERS  
  
Who's still wearing a mask.  
  
The MAN frowns, and pulls off his mask again, revealing another underneath. And another. And another. And another.  
  
Finally, twenty-five masks, the boy's true face is shown. He looks CRAZY.   
  
At this point, CAMERA pulls away, leaving the demented child standing there, holding the bloody knife. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning appears and hits Mental, knocking him onto his ass.  
  
SLAM CUT TO BLACK  
  
FADE IN:  
  
6. Ext. Mental Hospital - Night  
  
SUPER the legend: "Dr. Kevorkian's Mental Facility - for Psychotics, Psychopaths, and J. Edgar Hoover fans"  
  
That fades out, only to be replaced with  
  
SUPER the legend: "15 years and 1 impossibly overdone scene later"  
  
INSERT as a station Wagon zooms steadily down a lonely road. It is raining. The perfect setting for something ominously terrifying to take place, yet the occupants of the car are in no real hurry.  
  
7. Int. Station Wagon - Driver and Passenger Seats  
  
A bald-headed man, DR. SLAM LOONY, and his assistant, MORON GASCHAMBERS, are engaged in vocal conversation. Moron has a cigarette in her mouth as she stares intently over the steering wheel.  
  
MORON  
(smoking)  
So, what are you going to tell the judge?  
  
Dr. Loony looks at his nurse, non-plussed, then back at the road. This is a perfect night to make small talk, especially when they're nearing an asylum.  
  
DR. LOONY  
(To the point)  
I'll tell him that those child pornos were not mine, that they belonged to my horny next door neighbor, and that I have already the money to pay for those speeding tickets.  
  
LOONY'S POV Moron looks at him strangely. What in the hell?  
  
MORON  
What?!  
  
DR. LOONY  
(trying to cover his slip-up)  
Uh, nothing.  
  
Moron, satisfied, looks back at the road.  
  
MORON'S POV as she sees that she has reached the hospital. Strangely, the inmates, all dressed in white hospital gowns and robes are all outside, getting drenched.  
  
CLOSE a sign on the fence reads "Danger! IRS agents on the loose. Advance at your own risk."  
  
MORON  
Since when do they let them wander around in the rain like this?  
  
Dr. Loony looks at her, impatiently. Why is she asking him questions like this? How is he supposed to know?  
  
DR. LOONY  
(sarcastic)  
Gee, I don't know. How about when they ran out of room at the hospital? This way, they'll save a fortune on expenses.  
  
Moron frowns indignantly. This is no time for sarcasm.  
  
MORON  
This seems so familiar.  
  
DR LOONY  
Of course it does. This is the same kind of hack-eyed opening sequence in horror movies that have been done so much better before.   
(turning solemn)  
Dammit! We're locked out of the main gate.  
(gets out of the car)  
Wait here, okay?  
  
Dr. Loony, without waiting for an answer, leaves the vehicle and runs up to the gate to call in his arrival.  
  
MORON  
(muttering)  
Right. Like I'm going to go for a night on the town.  
  
Hearing a noise behind her, Moron looks back and sees  
  
AN ADULT MENTAL CLIMBING ONTO THE ROOF OF THE STATION WAGON.  
  
Determined to find out what exactly is going on, Moron opens the car window  
  
AND BIRD DROPPINGS LAND ON HER EYES.  
  
Moron shrieks in surprise, throwing the car into reverse, drive, and neutral. Brakes screech and Mental gets flung off the roof.  
  
8. Ext. Station Wagon  
  
Mental gets to his feet, pissed.  
  
9. Int. Station Wagon  
  
Wiping the filth from her eyes, Moron staggers to the passenger side of the car, in sheer panic. Behind her, Mental's hand  
  
REACHES DOWN AND BREAKS THE GLASS.  
  
Moron gets panicked, scrambling out of the vehicle, slipping in the mud as Mental gets in the driver seat, and tries to start the engine, to no avail. He floods it again. Nothing.  
  
10. Int. Station Wagon  
  
Mental snatches up the car phone.  
  
11. Ext. Station Wagon  
  
MORON'S POV A large TOW TRUCK appears out of nowhere, and straps the Station Wagon onto the back of it, taking it and Mental away into the night. Dr. Loony runs up and watches it fade into the night, then grabs Moron by the shoulders.  
  
DR. LOONY  
(shaking her roughly)  
Are you okay?!  
  
Moron tries to speak, but can't because he's shaking her too hard.  
  
DR. LOONY  
(keeps shaking)  
Are you all right?!  
(No answer, so he shakes her even more roughly)  
Answer me!  
  
Moron's fist swings out and connects with Dr. Loony's face. The shrink falls on his back in the mud.  
  
MORON:  
I'M FINE!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dr. Loony gets back to his feet. He's in a high stage of deep agitation and anxiety.  
  
DR LOONY  
(frantic)  
He's gone! The Evil is gone!  
(pause)  
I've got to make a phone call!  
  
MORON  
To who? The sheriff of whatever place you think he's heading to?  
  
Dr. Loony looks at her. What is she, insane?  
  
DR. LOONY  
Hell no! I'm going to call a Hollywood producer to make a movie about this! I'm going to be rich!  
(pause)   
Hmm, I wonder if John Carpenter would be interested?  
  
COMING SOON...  
  
What will happen next? Will Dr. Loony find Mental? Will Mental go home to find and kill a bunch of kids in some irrevocably cheesy plot twist? Will the insanity continue in this parody? Does Moron get shaken up some more? Will I get people to read and review? Will I get positive reviews? Will I ever shut up and quit rambling before those men in white coats take me away in a straitjacket and place me in a white room with lovely cushioned walls? Will people email me any comments they may have on this parody? Am I accessible by sending mail to kingcobra49036@yahoo.com ? 


	2. The Lives Of Future Teen Corpses

Night Of The Boogeymen  
Chapter 2  
By Jake Denton (kingcobra49036@yahoo.com)  
  
12. Ext. Street - Day  
  
SUPER the legend: "Hadabrainfield, Halloween."  
  
The legend FADES OUT, and is replaced with  
  
SUPER the legend: 'You're still reading this? You're braver then we thought!"  
  
It is a calm peaceful day. In your mind, picture a fictional town on some obscure sitcom. This town is just like that. Hard-working people and their simple lives are here.  
  
On the end of one street stands an expensive looking WHITE HOUSE. CAMERA freeze-frames on this house for a second, then slowly advances towards it.  
  
The front door opens and a teenage girl, LAINIE CURTIS, emerges onto the porch. A tall, stately middle aged-man, presumably her FATHER, follows, watching his daughter walk towards school.  
  
FATHER  
Don't forget to drop off the key at the Murders place.  
  
LAINIE looks back, all smiles.  
  
LAINIE  
Okay, dad.  
  
FATHER  
And buy some groceries on the way home.  
  
LAINIE  
(less patiently, but keeping composed)  
I won't forget, father.  
  
FATHER  
Pay the electric bill, too, okay?  
  
LAINIE  
(completely annoyed)  
What, you want me to pay the whole town?!  
  
FATHER  
Don't be silly, sweetheart. You have no money.  
(pause)  
Your mother'll do it.  
  
LAINIE'S POV a middle-aged woman, dressed and wearing like a slut, comes outside in a thong and bikini top. Nothing else.  
  
INSERT Lainie, creeped out by this sight, keeps walking to her school. She's carrying a whole shitload of books. Lainie is quite the bookworm.  
  
BOY (Off-screen)  
LAINIE!  
  
The teenaged girl looks to her left to see a small boy, TOMMY SPOILED, running towards her. He wants to talk to her incessantly.  
  
LAINIE  
(smiles. She's totally perky)  
Hey, Dummy.  
  
LAINIE'S POV the boy frowns in annoyance, but decides better then to throw a tantrum over it.  
  
TOMMY  
I'm Tommy.  
  
LAINIE  
Whatever. I'll be by tonight, okay?  
  
TOMMY  
(he brightens up instantly)  
At 7:00, right?  
  
LAINIE smiles instantaneously. The kids sure seem to love her.  
  
LAINIE  
Right.   
(sees she's reached the Murders house)  
I'll be right back, okay?  
  
TOOMY'S POV Lainie starts up onto the porch, and leaves the key under the doormat, before returning to where he's standing, waiting for her. Tommy looks fearfully at her.  
  
TOMMY  
You're not supposed to go up there. Nobody is. Some scary stuff happened there.  
  
LAINIE  
I had to go up there.  
  
TOMMY  
Why?  
  
Lainie smiles again at Tommy sweetly. Kids and their naiveté'...   
  
LAINIE  
So I could drop off a key to the place.  
  
TOMMY  
Why?  
  
LAINIE  
So my father can sell this house.  
  
TOMMY  
Why?  
  
  
LAINIE  
Because that's what he does for a living.  
  
Tommy doesn't let up. Lainie's temper is beginning to rise.  
  
TOMMY  
Why?  
  
LAINIE  
(whirls on him, heavily pissed)  
STOP ASKING ME WHY, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!!!!!!!  
  
TOMMY  
Why?  
  
LAINIE  
(about to pull her hair out)  
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! KID YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTSO!!!!!  
  
TOMMY  
Why?  
  
Lainie screams in enraged insanity.  
  
TOMMY  
(looking straight up ahead at road)  
There's my school. I'll see you tonight, Lainie!  
(waves goodbye)  
  
Lainie looks at him, some of the irritated scowl gone.  
  
LAINIE  
Not if I see you first in my car, you little brat...  
  
Lainie looks up at the gloomy house. It looks almost FRIGHTENING as it rests under the glare of the morning sun.  
  
There is a MUSICAL STINGER as LAINIE steps up onto the creepy house. There is a sense of grave danger here.  
  
LAINIE'S POV a rusty truck pulls up, and a man, whose looks and style scream insanity, gets out of the driver's side of the vehicle. He SQUINTS up at her.   
  
MAN  
(Texas accent)  
Hey, how much for the house?  
  
Lainie smiles at him. Maybe her father could sell the house after all!  
  
LAINIE  
$30,000,000,000  
  
LAINIE'S POV the man looks slightly pissed. This is not good.  
  
MAN  
30 Billion?! For this dump?!  
(looks at back of truck)  
GET THE BITCH, LEATHERFACE!  
  
A chainsaw wielding MAN hops out from under a tarp in the flat end of the truck and chases Lainie down the street, chainsaw whirring. Lainie runs screaming.  
  
13. Int. School - Hallway - 5 Minutes Later  
  
INSERT LAINIE running through the door into the hallway. She is BREATHING HEAVILY. Her hair is in disarray, and her new sweater is no so longer so fresh. In fact, it looks soaked with sweat.  
  
LAINIE  
Those crazy Texans.  
(pause)  
Thank god I lost them.  
  
She walks out of frame, headed to her class.  
  
14. Int. Hospital - Main Entrance - Same Time  
  
DR. LOONY walks out of the doors with his colleague, DR. LOSE.  
  
DR. LOONY  
I want you to get back on that phone and tell the sheriff where Mental is going!  
  
DR. LOSE  
PROBABLY going.  
(to emphasize his point)  
Slam, you know that Mental cannot drive!  
  
DR. LOONY  
(surprised)  
Drive? Who said that Mental was driving? He has his own Tow Truck service! "Towing For Killers".  
(gets into his car)  
I've got to go.  
  
DR. LOSE watches him, apprehensively.  
  
DR LOSE  
Where are you going? To find Mental?  
  
DR. LOONY  
Why would I give a shit about him? Let him go, where he could potentially kill people and become a threat to public safety! I don't care, as long as I get to the Party Store before that last lotto ticket is gone!  
(tries to start car. Car doesn't give)  
Move, you rusted piece of crap! Let's go!  
(car speeds off at 115 MPH)  
Yeee-haw! Here I go, motherfuckers!!  
  
15. Int. School - Classroom - 30 Minutes Later   
  
Lainie is sitting in her desk, her textbook opened to the assigned page, while in the F.G. her teacher is talking offscreen. The rest of the class do their best not to get too drowsy. Most are failing.  
  
TEACHER  
Lainie?  
  
Lainie looks up, irritated. What does she want?  
  
LAINIE  
(faked politeness)  
Yes, ma'am?  
  
TEACHER  
Answer the question.  
  
Lainie looks at the class nervously. No sense in trying to stall.  
  
LAINIE  
(sweating profusely)  
Constaine wrote that fate was somehow related only to religion, where Samuels felt that fate was like a natural element, like earth, Air, Fire, and Water.  
  
SUPERIMPOSE The teacher stares at Lainie for a minute, while the class begins to titter.  
  
Lainie is definitely even more nervous by their reactions, and it shows in her face.  
  
TEACHER  
(not knowing what else to say)  
Uh, that's very interesting, Lainie. But the question was, what is the student council planning for this year's Senior Class trip?  
  
Oops. Lainie looks embarrassed, but tries not to show it. Instead, she goes to the front of the room, and sets up a slide show of the intended location. It's picture time for the class. No one looks enthused.   
  
LAINIE  
Every year, the graduating class celebrate their newfound freedom, in differing areas.   
(She changes slides)  
This year, we have a spot that is so relaxing, so remote, that no one is hardly ever there. This year, our class trip will be spent at...  
  
SUPERIMPOSE on LAINIE as she switches slides again.  
  
LAINIE  
CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE!!!  
  
The school BELL rings, ending the school day, and Lainie starts to leave, with her friend, a leggy blonde slut named LYDIA.  
  
16. Int. high School - Hallway  
  
Lainie and Lydia walk side by side, talking. Or rather, Lydia is talking, and Lainie is trying not to shoot herself to make the conversation end.  
  
LAINIE  
So, are you going to tonight's dance?  
  
LYDIA  
Yeah. I mean, I only have a 3:00 appointment at the Beauty Salon, a 4:00 appointment at the drugstore to pick up my mother's prescription, and the daily scheduled 4:30 blowjob for my boyfriend Bobby.  
(beat)  
Hey, Lainie?  
  
Lainie is only half listening. She's too busy reading her chemistry book as she walks.  
  
LAINIE  
Hmmmm?  
  
LYDIA  
(hopeful)  
Do you think I look fat?  
  
LAINIE  
What kind of fuck-up question is that?  
  
LYDIA  
Just answer me.  
  
LAINIE  
No, you do not look fat.   
(Lydia looks pleased. Lainie mumbles)  
Not compared to Patsy "Fatty" Burbull.  
  
Lydia looks at Lainie, almost suspiciously.  
  
Lydia  
What?  
  
Lainie realizes that Lydia heard what she said, and tries to compensate the situation.  
  
LAINIE  
(quickly)  
I didn't say anything.  
  
Almost on impulse, the two turn to see their other friend, KRISTY RACKETT, an ugly brunette, approaching quickly.  
  
LAINIE  
Hey, Kristy.  
  
LYDIA  
Hello, Kristy. What's new?  
  
KRISTY  
(angry and petty)  
I don't want to talk. Let's just go, okay?  
  
RIGHT ANGLE Kristy starts to walk off, leaving Lainie and Lydia no alternative but to chase after her quickly.   
  
LYDIA  
What's wrong?  
  
Kristy sighs, and turns to look at them. She is evidently not very happy right now.   
  
KRISTY  
Where should I start? Let's see, I was supposed to pick Howie up tonight to go to the Halloween Dance, but after fooling around in the locker room...  
  
INSERT Both Lainie and Lydia's faces break into disapproval modes.  
  
LAINIE  
Slut  
  
LYDIA  
Fucking whore.  
  
Kristy looks at them, and flips them off, repressed.   
  
KRISTY  
Fuck you both.  
(pause)  
Anyway, he said he was caught, you know...  
(her hand mimes the jacking off motion)  
...and now he's grounded. No dance, no MTV, and no PENTHOUSE.  
  
CLOSE Lainie sympathizes with her friend. Not.  
  
LAINIE  
Poor Kristy. Loser as always.  
  
KRISTY  
(glaring a thousand deaths at Lainie)  
Hey, at least I HAVE a boyfriend, Miss-I-stay-home-on-Saturday-nights-to-study -Shakespeare.   
  
LYDIA  
(intercepts the coming fight, looks at Kristy)  
Why don't you just dump the 'tard?  
  
KRISTY  
He's not a retard.  
  
From the way Lainie looks at Lydia, it's pretty blatant that they disagree.  
  
LYDIA  
(serious)  
Kristy, dancing around on the front lawn wearing nothing but a lamp shade on your head, and repeating the words "take me to your leader, while holding his breath until his face turns blue, IS retarded.  
  
KRISTY  
Yeah? At least MY boyfriend doesn't dress like a woman, Miss I'm-Dating-A-Drag-Queen!  
(to Lainie)  
You babysitting again tonight?  
  
Lainie nods agreeably, not saying a word. Just the thought of babysitting has brought back her foul mood, left over from her earlier conversation with the kid at the Murders' House.  
  
LAINIE  
(grouchy)  
Yeah. I'm watching Tommy Spoiled tonight at 7.  
  
KRISTY  
(frowns)  
Well, I've gotta watch my bratty sister again tonight.   
  
LAINIE  
Lizzie?  
  
Kristy nods.  
  
KRISTY  
I just wish we hadn't adopted her from that god-awful family, the Bordens. Ever since, Lizzie joined my family, she hasn't let go of the goddamn axe. I'm just afraid she'll make fireplace logs out of us one of these days.  
  
LAINIE  
Well, if she tries to, just call the cops.  
  
LYDIA suddenly looks over Lainie's shoulder at the distant curb.  
  
LYDIA  
Hey, who's that?  
  
INSERT Both Kristy and Lainie turn at once to see the approaching station wagon. It's MENTAL MURDERS, driving DR. LOONY'S stolen vehicle, and watching them almost hungrily, but they don't know that yet.  
  
In fact, they cannot even get a look at the driver.  
  
KRISTY  
Isn't that Todd Marshall?  
  
LAINIE  
I don't think so. He drives a Ford Chevy Blazer. Very stylish.  
  
The three girls stare at the moving car, all of them extremely curious.  
  
LYDIA  
Who is it?  
  
KRISTY  
I don't know.  
  
LYDIA  
Let's find out.  
(yelling at car as it goes by)  
HEY, ASSWIPE! SPEED KILLS!!!  
  
INSERT the car just brakes to a SCREECH at the intersection and remains parked there. The driver is obviously pissed off at that last comment. Lydia looks fearful.  
  
LYDIA  
(swallowing her surprise)  
Some people just have NO sense of humor.  
  
The three girls walk away, babbling amongst themselves, their backs turned on the car.  
  
INSERT the car starts to slide forwards again, letting the incident go, apparently. But then another vehicle zooms in from the left zone, plowing into the state vehicle, and careening it into a telephone pole.  
  
MENTAL goes flying out the windshield, and lands on his head on the paved road.  
  
The three girls keep walking, too busy talking to even hear the car wreck.  
  
LYDIA  
Whoever that was, he probably sucks in the sack, anyway.  
  
INSERT behind them, the car pointlessly explodes into flames.  
  
COMING SOON...  
  
Okay, so Mental is stalking LYDIA, KRISTY, AND LAINIE now, but what else is going to happen? Does Michael recover from the car explosion? Will anyone survive this corny night? Will Tommy ever stop asking "why"? Does Kristy ever learn the meaning of the words "safe sex"? Will people keep checking back for the chapter 3 that will be up in the next couple of days? Will I ever get reviews for this in my email address kingcobra49036@yahoo.com? Stay tuned! The answers will be posted soon! 


	3. Blood And Alcohol

Night Of The Boogeyman, chapter 3  
By Jake Denton (kingcobra49036@yahoo.com)  
  
NOTE: Sorry this took so long, but with all the things I've been busy with, it gets harder to write in my free time.  
  
17. Int. Curtis House - Lainie's bedroom - minutes later  
  
Entering the room, allowing the DOOR to SLAM SHUT behind her, Lainie tosses her books onto her bed, and flops down onto the mattress, intending to take a nap.  
  
CRASH!  
  
LAINIE gets up off the floor, and stares at the newly destroyed mattress on her hardwood floor. The support beams for the mattress have given out and the bed has hit the floor.  
  
LAINIE  
Dammit!  
(pause. She's pissed.)  
I'll have to sue Sealy Posture-pedic.  
  
PAN BEHIND LAINIE as she crosses over to the window, gazing out contentedly, then looks over to her left...  
  
At the masked figure standing in the backyard next door.  
  
CLOSE Lainie stares at the stranger, getting slightly spooked.  
  
LAINIE'S POV loud cheesy music performs from nowhere as the shape, who is MENTAL, suddenly breaks into the Macarena, throwing his hands up and doing an odd little dance to the O.S. voice singing "Heyyyy, Macarena!"  
  
CLOSE Lainie flinches back, horrified.  
  
O.S. The PHONE rings, its' chimes cutting through the air. Lainie looks at it, then back out the window.  
  
LAINIE'S POV The creepy guy is gone. What a relief. She ANSWERS the phone.  
  
LAINIE  
(fearfully)  
Hello?  
  
The CALLER on the other end has a chillingly deep MAN'S VOICE.  
  
CALLER   
(O.S., threatening; sounds like the guy in SCREAM)  
Hello, Sidney.  
  
Lainie closes her eyes and LAUGHS.  
  
CALLER  
(O.S., angry. He's pissed)  
IF YOU LAUGH AT ME, YOU'LL DIE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER!  
  
Lainie stops laughing, and when she speaks again, it's SERIOUS.  
  
LAINIE  
(blunt)  
Let me point three things out to you, Mr. Creepy Caller.   
(beat, then...)  
One, I'm not Sidney. I'm LAINIE. Two, My mother's   
not dead. She's getting her hair done. Three, you've got   
the wrong movie, numbnuts.  
  
CLOSE Lainie, convinced she got through to this guy, HANGS UP.  
  
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN.  
  
LAINIE slowly reaches down and picks up again, putting the receiver to her ear.  
  
LAINIE  
Hello?  
  
Another MAN'S VOICE, not as deep or threatening, answers.  
  
MAN (O.S.)  
Hello, this is the I.R.S. Is your father there?  
  
Lainie's RESPONSE is to SCREAM IN TERROR and SLAM THE PHONE DOWN.  
  
The phone RINGS yet again. This time, Lainie takes her sweet time answering.  
  
LAINIE  
(very shaky)  
H-hello?  
  
The caller, a WOMAN this time, answers.   
  
WOMAN  
Hey, what's going on?  
  
Lainie relaxes, smiling. It's KRISTY.  
  
LAINIE  
Nothing. What are you doing?  
  
O.S. the sounds of a man moaning can be heard.  
  
KRISTY  
(also moaning O.S.)  
Nothing,...Lainie. Just...uh...just....OH GOD HOWIE DON'T STOP!!!  
(between orgasms)  
I'll pick you up at 7 to go baby-sitting, okay?  
  
Lainie seems to ignore the passionate moaning.  
  
LAINIE  
Okay.  
(pause)  
Thanks. My mom needed to use the car tonight.  
  
INSERT LAINIE'S MOTHER cruises the car up to a young stud, who is SMOKING CRACK.  
  
LAINIE'S MOM  
Hey, handsome. You want to give ME a few puffs?  
  
RETURN to LAINIE.  
  
KRISTY  
OH GOD YES, HOWIE, FIRE THE   
CANNON!!!! OH, YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!  
  
Lainie's face twists into A SICKENED EXPRESSION.  
  
LAINIE  
Eeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!  
  
She slams the phone down, and at the same time, we slam cut to:  
  
18. Gas Station - Same Time  
  
It is the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. The only building in the vicinity   
Is this dinky little place, which appears to NEED REPAIR.  
  
CLOSE Dr. Loony's CAR pulls into the Gas Station parking lot, and  
The doctor gets out of his vehicle, entering the small store.  
  
DR LOONY  
Hey, is anyone here? I need some lottery tickets!  
  
There is no answer. Only a DRIP DRIP DRIP.  
  
CLOSE Dr. Loony looks worried. He moves deeper into the store.   
There seems to be NOBODY around. The joint is dead.  
  
DR. LOONY  
Hello, I need a shot of bourbon!  
  
DRIP DRIP DRIP.  
  
IMPOSE UPON Dr. Loony as his eyes scan the entirety of the gas station.  
Why isn't anyone answering him?  
  
DRIP DRIP DRIP.  
  
DR. LOONY  
(looks at camera)  
Can you please stop with the fucking 'drip drip drip"?  
  
This request is very rude, and the NARRATOR has no problems  
expressing this with the stocky doctor. Time to get an attitude.  
  
NARRATOR (O.S.)  
Excuse me, but I am trying to create suspense!  
  
Dr. Loony points a gun at the camera threateningly.  
  
DR. LOONY  
Well, stop it! You suck at creating scares!  
  
NARRATOR  
You just suck, period.  
  
DR. LOONY looks pissed. All hell has broken loose.  
  
DR. LOONY  
(shoots his gun at someone behind camera)  
Now, who sucks?!  
  
NARRATOR (O.S.)  
You bastard! You shot me!  
  
DR. LOONY scoffs and turns away, non-responsively.   
Why give a shit about the narrator?   
  
DR. LOONY  
Stuff it.  
  
CAMERA PANS WITH DR. LOONY as he treks towards the back of the store.  
  
DR. LOONY'S POV The store is empty. Lifeless.  
  
Suddenly, a DEAD MAN'S BODY drops from the ceiling, landing at Loony's feet.  
  
DR. LOONY  
Oh my dear god in heaven!  
(beat)  
Now I'll never get that bourbon. Damn you, Mental!  
  
DR. LOONY goes out to his vehicle and drives off. It's payback time.  
  
CAMERA follows his car for a few seconds, then as he passes a road sign, the POV zooms into it...  
  
CRUNCH!  
  
... a little too closely.  
  
CAMERA pulls back, and we can now read   
the words on the sign. They read: 150 MILES   
TO HADABRAINFIELD. USE CAUTION   
WHEN DRIVING THERE AND KEEP IN   
MIND THAT THE ROAD IS FILLED WITH   
POTHOLES TO MAKE DRIVING EXCEEDINGLY   
HEADACHE-INDUCING.  
  
19. Kristy's Car - Front Seat - Night  
  
CAMERA observes from the BACK SEAT  
  
as Kristy and Lainie engage themselves in natural conversation.  
  
KRISTY  
Hey, did you see the bod of that Ben Lamer guy?   
  
LAINIE frowns imperviously.  
  
LAINIE  
Kristy, why are you always talking about guys?  
  
LAINIE'S POV Kristy looks at her, dumb-founded.  
  
KRISTY  
What else is there to talk about?  
  
Lainie strains to think of a different topic, and finally   
she hits the right idea. The young girl decides to try it.  
  
LAINIE  
Did you know that the country is headed for bankruptcy   
due to the immobility of the nation to furnish enough gratin   
potatoes?  
  
Kristy looks at her again. Why the hell is Lainie   
babbling about Potatoes? She must have hit the drug pipe again.  
  
Speaking of which...  
  
KRISTY  
(takes weed out of her pocket, lights it)  
Take a hit.  
  
Lainie clearly doesn't want to.  
  
KRISTY  
C'mon, would you smoke the joint already?  
  
Lainie looks at her, then back at the weed. Drugs are bad, but  
peer pressure is worse. She takes a drag. Kristy beams at her.  
  
KRISTY  
Way to go! That's the shit!  
  
KRISTY'S POV Lainie, unable to handle the toke, vomits blood all  
over the car dashboard. Kristy smacks Lainie hard in the back, then  
looks up at something offscreen.  
  
KRISTY  
SHI-ITT! It's my dad!  
(looks at Lainie)  
Lainie, stop puking blood.   
What'sa matter with you?  
  
FORE-ANGLE Kristy's car swerves by the curb of a busy street. The alarm of a porn shop is blaring, and there's the usual assortment of people, cops, onlookers, etc. present.  
  
Kristy's dad, SHERRIFF CYPHERS, staggers over to them, his belly juggling and making a nasty SWOSHING sound. He also seems to be drunk. The cop squints at them.  
  
KRISTY  
Hi, dad. What happened?  
  
CYPHERS  
(blind stinking drunk, slurred)  
Wha...?  
  
KRISTY  
(louder)  
What happened?  
  
LAINIE'S POV Cyphers belches and several cops standing ten feet behind him suddenly make choking sounds and collapse onto the paved sidewalk.   
  
CYPHERS  
(slurred)  
Porn shop was broken into. A mask, a rope, and a knife was stolen.  
(beat)   
Prob'ly sex 'razed pyros.  
  
Kristy looks at Lainie with a smirk, then resumes her gaze on her plastered father. The state of law enforcement in the 70's gave one cause for concern.  
  
KRISTY  
You blame everything on sex-crazed pyros.  
(to Lainie)  
It's hard growing up with a drunk dad.  
(waves)  
Bye dad!  
  
They drive off.   
  
CYPHERS  
Byeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!  
(belches)  
Oy, I need a twinkie.  
  
CYPHERS' POV A Volkswagen pulls up, making a ruckus of bangs and pows, trying to park by the curb, but instead shoots onto the sidewalk, and plows into a hustled group of cops. Several cops fly through the air.  
  
Dr. Loony gets out, and sees Cyphers. Stepping over to the hammered sheriff, Loony gives him a greeting and an introduction.  
  
DR. LOONY  
Damn old cars. Never work for shit.  
(beat)  
Sheriff, we need to talk.  
  
LOONY'S POV Cyphers turns his back on him.  
  
CYPHERS  
Ah, shure will, sir.   
(hiccups)  
Just as soon as those damn kids stop fucking up my car.  
  
LOONY'S POV A flock of birds swarm over the car, leaving droppings all over it. It's almost like a wildlife preserve for feathered birds.  
  
DR. LOONY  
Sir, there are no kids here. Just birds.  
  
CYPHERS squints at him, unstably trying to keep a solid gaze on the doctor.  
  
CYPHERS  
No kids? Just birds?  
(starts flapping his arms)  
Lookitme! I can fly! I can fly!  
(flaps his arms and throws himself at a car)  
I can fly over the...  
  
DR. LOONY winces as offscreen, a loud CRACK is heard.   
  
CYPHERS (O.S.)  
...Owie...  
  
Dr. Loony sighs impatiently and rubs his eyes. Getting help from this guy was going to be harder and more embarrassing then he had thought.  
  
DR. LOONY  
My mother TOLD me to go into Real Estate, but did I? NOOOOO.  
  
CYPHERS  
(O.S., slurred)  
Look, ma, I'm on TV!  
  
COMING SOON: So Loony can't get the drunken sheriff to help him stop Mental. Does that mean he'll have to do it on his own? Also, what will happen to Kristy and Lainie? Does Lainie barf blood again? Find out next time in Chapter 4. 


	4. Babysitters, Brats, and Halloween Dances

Night Of The Boogeyman Chapter 4  
by Jake Denton (kingcobra49036@yahoo.com)  
  
Note: Forgive me if this looks slightly different in formatting, but I had to fix the format.  
  
20. Ext. Spoiled House - Curb   
  
KRISTY'S car pulls up toe the curb, and LAINIE gets out of the passenger side, carrying a handbag with her. She turns to look at Kristy.  
  
LAINIE  
Thanks for the ride.  
  
LAINIE'S POV Kristy smiles, and as she does so, her teeth gleams, and harmonious heavenly plays while her teeth suddenly shines like a flashlight.   
  
KRISTY  
(still with ultra whites)  
You're welcome, Lainie. I'll be three houses down, k?  
  
LAINIE  
(she frowns)  
Three houses down? But you'll be right across the street!  
  
But it's too late to talk. Kristy's car swerves towards the driveway of the large Victorian house across the road. While doing so, she barely misses crashing into a garbage truck parked in the road. An angry GARBAGE MAN gets out of the vehicle, shaking his fist.  
  
GARBAGE MAN  
Hey, lady, watch where you're going!  
  
INSERT A middle aged woman, MRS. WALLASS, emerges onto her front porch and sees Kristy's car zooming towards her.  
  
MRS. WALLASS  
AHHH SHITTTTTTT!!!  
  
She runs back inside.   
  
21. Int. Wallass House - Living Room  
  
Kristy's car plows into the house, bringing down the entire front porch, as well as much of the living room ceiling and making a large mess of debris on the outside landscape.   
  
Kristy gets out, cheerful, and not at all aware of the damage she's done. She looks at the huddled family, all of whom are staring at her.  
  
KRISTY  
So, that'll be $5.50 an hour right?  
  
22. Int. Spoiled House - Same Time  
  
LAINIE walks in, warmly. She greets Tommy's mother.  
  
LAINIE  
Good evening, Mrs. Spoiled.   
(looks around)   
Where's Dummy?  
  
MRS. SPOILED  
He's up in his room.   
(frowns)   
I don't know what he's been doing in there, but it reeks.  
  
INSERT Dummy walks into the room, sees his mother and baby-sitter, and quickly hides the crack pipe behind his back before either of them can see it. Lainie notices him, and smiles.  
  
LAINIE  
(to Mrs. Spoiled)  
Kids love me. I'm so good with children.  
(to Tommy)  
Isn't that right, Dummy?  
  
LAINIE'S POV It's obvious, from his expression, he's getting annoyed with her calling him that. He decides to straighten her out.  
  
TOMMY  
MY NAME ISN'T DUMMY!!!  
  
He kicks her in the shin. HARD.  
  
LAINIE doubles over, holding her shin. She forces a weak smile at Mrs. Spoiled.  
  
LAINIE  
(in obvious pain)  
See? Kids love me.  
  
Mrs. Spoiled and her husband both leave, and Lainie hobbles into the TV room with Tommy. He pulls a magazine out from under the sofa.   
  
LAINIE looks down at him in surprise. She didn't think he liked reading.  
  
LAINIE  
I didn't think you liked reading.  
  
TOMMY  
I don't.  
(he motions her over)  
Come here.  
  
INSERT Lainie, longing to sustain her curiosity, sits down on the couch next to him. Tommy looks up at her, the magazine titles concealed under his hand on his lap.  
  
LAINIE  
What are you reading?  
  
LAINIE'S POV He grins at her. Kids and their secrets...  
  
TOMMY  
Hustler, Playboy, and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. My mom doesn't like  
me to have them.  
  
LAINIE  
I can see why!  
  
23. Int. Wallass House - Same Time  
  
KRISTY sits on the couch, watching an old horror movie with young  
MEGAN, when suddenly the phone rings offscreen. Kristy gets up   
to answer it.  
  
CAMERA tracks alongside Kristy as she ANSWERS THE PHONE.  
  
KRISTY  
Hello?  
  
A MALE VOICE on the other end responds. It's HOWIE.  
  
HOWIE  
Hey, my parents are out.   
(beat)  
Why don't you pick me up?  
  
KRISTY  
Can't. I'm baby-sitting.  
(beat)  
Screw it, I shall completely  
Eschew my responsibilities and   
have sex with you in someone  
else's house, risking getting caught.  
  
CLOSE it's obvious that Kristy really wants to do it. She hangs up and kneels down next to MEGAN, who's staring intently at the screen.  
  
KRISTY  
Megan, I have to go somewhere.   
(beat)  
You wanna go watch TV with Tommy Spoiled?  
  
KRISTY'S POV There is no response. Megan keeps staring at the TV, seemingly in a trance.  
  
KRISTY  
Megan?  
  
She touches the little girl's arm. Upon doing so...  
  
MEGAN  
(jerks awake and screams)  
SHE WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!  
  
Kristy, startled by the girl's powerful movement, falls onto her butt backwards.  
  
KRISTY  
Ow!  
  
24. Int. High School - Gym - Same Time  
  
The gym is a busy place tonight. Almost every kid from town is there. And no wonder. The Halloween dance is underway. Music blares. Couples dressed in costumes dance and play Halloween games, such as "bobbing for apples".   
  
And across the gym, near the stage, a plain looking blonde chick smiles in pure   
bliss as she stands there next to her date, BEN LAMER. LYDIA and BOBBY, her   
boyfriend, are among those watching the ugly chick being crowned the   
inexplicable school title of "Scream Queen".  
  
FRONT ANGLE favors the principal as she steps and, speaking into a microphone,   
addresses the winning king and queen of the school dance.  
  
PRINCIPAL  
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...  
(a beat; suspense builds)  
BEN LAMER AND TERRY BITE!  
  
The entire student audience breaks into applause and TERRY,   
the blonde on stage, can hardly believe her good luck. She   
basks in the warmth of the welcomed response.  
  
25. Int. High School - Gym - Catwalk - Same Time  
  
INSERT Overlooking the celebration, a teenaged girl sneers in contempt as   
she hoists a large bucket onto the railing fifty feet above Terry's head.   
She's planning something nasty and it's showtime.  
  
GIRL  
(sneering)  
Get me in trouble, will you, Terry, you bitch!  
  
She starts to push the bucket over and just then,   
Mental ATTACKS, appearing behind her on the   
catwalk. He starts plunging his knife into her back   
again and again.   
  
The girl SCREAMS, and her flailing bloodied hand   
accidentally slaps the bucket off the railing, sending   
a lake of blood plummeting downwards.  
  
26. Int. High School - Gym - Stage - 2.5 nanoseconds later  
  
INSERT the blood splashed down, nailing Terry dead center, drenching her with   
its' disgusting red matter. Terry smile fades and she starts looking PISSED.   
  
Suddenly, chaos breaks out as a dormant FIRE HOSE starts spraying water   
around the room. Students SCREAM as chaos breaks out. TERRY concentrates  
on taking revenge for this wrong.  
  
27. Int. High School - Gym - Catwalk - Same Time  
  
MENTAL, standing over the girl's DEAD BODY, watches the goings on below him,   
and then, suddenly notices that the bucket is still on the railing, hanging by a   
rope. Mental begins cutting the rope.  
  
As soon as the rope is severed, he throws the bucket down.   
  
28. Int. High School - Gym - Stage - 2.5 nanoseconds later  
  
INSERT TERRY stands there, expressionless, watching the terror of the students,  
Basking in her sweet revenge...  
  
When the bucket suddenly falls out of nowhere, roughly, as if it was thrown, and strikes her...  
  
...on the top of the head.   
  
TERRY  
(losing consciousness)  
Ow.  
  
She passes out, falling onto the floor of the stage.   
  
LYDIA and BOBBY, seeing that the oddity is over and the hose is deactivated again, blink in amazement.  
  
BOBBY  
Whoa.   
(beat)  
Was I tripping on acid, or did that really just happen?  
  
LYDIA is in a hurry to leave now. She drags him out of the door by his sleeve.  
  
COMING SOON: The dance is in shambles, and Kristy wants to get laid, so what's she going to do now? Let little Megan videotape the whole thing? Or will she place the child under Lainie's care, thus advancing the plot? And where will Lydia and Bobby go after the disastrous Halloween party? Find out in the next hilarious chapter of my Halloween spoof! 


	5. Love, Lust, And Other Crazy Things

Night Of The Boogeymen, chapter 5  
By KingCobra49036@yahoo.com  
  
29. Int. Spoiled House - Living Room - Same Time  
  
LAINIE and TOMMY sit on the couch watching CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7   
when the young boy looks up at her, a question in his face. Lainie looks back at him.  
  
TOMMY  
(fearfully)  
Lainie, what's the boogeyman?  
  
LAINIE smiles.  
  
LAINIE  
You mean "boogeyman" as in someone who  
is deeply terrifying to the point where the mere  
sight of him can chill you to the deepest part of your soul?  
  
TOMMY  
Yeah.  
  
LAINIE  
Well, there's Richard Simmons, for one.  
  
TOMMY  
No, I mean the guy I saw standing outside the Wallass house.  
(beat)  
Wasn't that the boogeyman?  
  
LAINIE frowns. Instead of answering, she crosses the threshold to the window, where she opens the curtain and peers across the street.   
  
LAINIE'S POV The Wallass house looks undisturbed, quiet and spooky against the chill of the October climate. Except for the trick-or-treaters, however, no prowler is skulking around. LAINIE glances back at Tommy, all smiles. She's perkier then Jennifer Love Hewitt on Prozac.  
  
LAINIE  
Dummy, there's no one there. Go watch TV.  
  
She picks up an unused pumpkin, walks over past the door, on her way to the living room with Tommy when   
  
IT SWINGS OPEN, SMACKING INTO LAINIE'S FACE.  
  
LAINIE cries out and falls onto her butt on the carpet, dropping the pumpkin on the floor and holding her nose. She glares, looking like all hell's about to break loose. KRISTY and MEGAN stare down at her.  
  
KRISTY  
Lainie, are you okay? Do you need anything? Medicine? Pills? Brad Pitt?   
  
LAINIE  
(annoyed)  
Real funny.  
  
She gets to her feet. KRISTY smirks at her friend.  
  
KRISTY  
I'm going to go pick Howie up.   
(beat)  
You can watch Megan.  
  
LAINIE tries to think of what to say. The situation has obviously caught her off guard.  
  
LAINIE  
But...   
  
Too late. Kristy's on her way out.  
  
KRISTY  
(before the door slams behind her)  
Thanks! Bye!  
  
LAINIE looks up at Megan helplessly, only to see that the girl is watching the movie with TOMMY. She starts to go into the living room.  
  
CLOSE a piece of shattered Pumpkin lies on the floor. Lainie's foot comes right down on it.   
  
LAINIE SLIPS AND FALLS SOUNDLESSLY.  
  
30. Ext. Wallass House - Driveway  
  
Kristy strides confidently to the car, whistling jauntily, her car keys in her hand. She opens THE PASENGER DOOR and GETS IN, shutting the door behind her. Suddenly, she senses something is wrong and stops whistling.   
  
KRISTY  
(beat)  
I forgot to buy a rubber!  
  
She doesn't need one. Mental murders POPS up in the back seat. His hand goes around her throat and begins squeezing. KRISTY struggles wildly. It's almost as if she can't breathe. The killer's grip squeezes HARDER, when suddenly Kristy manages to grab and kiss him.  
  
KRISTY  
(horny, moves the hand off her throat to her tit)  
Why don't you grab something else, big boy?  
  
She jumps in the BACK SEAT, giggling madly. It looks like Mental is gonna get lucky!  
  
FLASH CUT TO:  
  
31. Ext. Wallass House - street in front  
  
An old faded 1970'S VAN pulls up. The brakes SCREECH as the driver tries to stop the van and it CRASHES into the vehicle in front of it. The driver, BOBBY, gets out while the passenger, LYDIA, does the same.   
  
They start the trek towards the front porch of the house. BOBBY tries to pick LYDIA up, but is having a hard time lifting her. He STRAINS against the weight.   
  
LYDIA  
Bobby, put me down! This is so silly!  
  
BOBBY  
(winces as he lifts her and he gets a pain in his shoulder)  
Okay.  
  
He drops her on the grass, then starts to walk towards the house, accidentally tripping over LYDIA and falling on his face on the ground in the process.  
  
32. Int. Wallass House - Living Room  
  
The front door swings open as Bobby pokes his face inside, not seeing the door swing back closed. He looks, too late, as the door WHACKS him in the face. Bobby staggers backwards and holds his bloody nose.   
  
BOBBY  
FUCK!  
  
LYDIA  
Would you get a move on?! Don't you wanna do it?  
  
BOBBY  
Yeah, I do.  
  
LYDIA  
Then let's go! The parents are out and Megan's over at Dummy's.  
  
TOMMY  
(offscreen, still in his own house)  
THAT'S TOMMY YOU STUPID CUNT!  
  
LYDIA glances back at the house, which is out of frame.  
  
LYDIA  
SORRY TOMMY!!!  
  
BOBBY  
YA-HOOO!!!  
  
He picks up LYDIA again, staggers forward two steps, and falls down flat face first again. LYDIA fumes.  
  
LYDIA  
You are such a weakling!!!  
  
33. Int. Wallass House - Upstairs Bedroom - Minutes Later  
  
Fully naked, but thankfully covered underneath the sheets, BOBBY and LYDIA engage in sexual ardor. LYDIA moans in pleasure, and BOBBY just stays silent.   
  
CLOSE It's clear Bobby just wants to get this over with.   
  
PAN OUT TO THE WALL. There is a MUSICAL STINGER as the shadow's reflection moves across it.  
  
LYDIA  
Ouch! What the hell was that?!  
(beat)  
Will you go take care of that please?  
  
BOBBY  
(relieved)  
Sure.  
  
He gets off of her and leaves the room.  
  
LYDIA  
(calls after him)  
And could you bring me back a beer, some smokes,   
and a gardening hose I like to practice with, please?  
  
Right after LYDIA says "Gardening Hose", the scene flash switches to:  
  
34. Int. Wallass Kitchen  
  
CLOSE a tape recorder playing the MUSICAL STINGER is cut off by BOBBY'S hand switching it off.  
  
BOBBY  
(off-screen)  
Damn noise makers.  
  
CAMERA pans upward to settle on BOBBY, who doesn't notice MENTAL MURDERS   
standing behind him. He slowly senses it, though, and starts to turn around.   
  
BOBBY  
What the---?  
  
SLASH! The Shapeless STABS BOBBY with a garden harrow in the stomach. BOBBY doubles over in pain, looks slowly at his blood-stained hands, then very slowly up at the shapeless.   
  
BOBBY  
Ow...  
  
He DIES.   
  
35. Int. Wallass Bedroom - Seconds Later  
  
LYDIA lies in bed, doing her nails, which are about as long as Freddy Kruger's. The DOOR CREAKS OPEN, and she smirks playfully.   
  
LYDIA'S POV "BOBBY" stands in the doorway, with a sheet draped over him. He breathes heavily.   
  
LYDIA  
(opens her shirt to reveal old wrinkly breasts)  
See anything you like?  
  
LYDIA only laughs.   
  
LYDIA  
Can't I get your spirit, Bobby?  
(laughs, then turns serious)  
Where's my hose?   
  
He doesn't answer, just stands there breathing heavily. LYDIA gets disgusted and turns her back on him. She dials the phone, not seeing the figure in the doorway closing in. The shark is on the prowl.   
  
36. Int. Spoiled House - Same Time  
  
LAINIE hears the PHOE ring, and picks up.  
  
LAINIE  
Hello?   
  
36. Int. Wallass Bedroom  
  
LYDIA gasps as the shapeless wraps the hose around her neck, trying to strangle her. Fortunately, it's the cheap kind, and LYDIA breaks free. She races towards the door.   
  
LAINIE  
(off-camera)  
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?  
  
There is an endless onslaught of offscreen "hellos?" as LYDIA opens the hallway door, trying to escape. Upon opening the door, a poster of Janet Reno appears. LYDIA screams, and then suddenly, grabs her chest, and hits the floor, dead. The poster has scared her to death.   
  
The Shapeless watches all this, then removes the sheet, and picks up the phone, saying nothing, only breathing heavily through his goofy deformed mask.  
  
LAINIE  
(a broken record)  
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?  
  
NEXT: What will happen to Lainie, now that Bobby, Kristy, and Lydia are dead? Will Dr. Loony find Mental in time to save Lainie and make the spoof end happily? Will Lainie ever stop saying "hello?" And what of Tommy and Megan? What will they watch next? These answers will arrive in the next chapter of my "Halloween" parody coming soon to a fan fiction site near you! 


End file.
